Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
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[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together