I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
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If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.