Solving a traffic jam
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Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Just a reminder, folks:
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”