[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
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I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.