It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
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relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO