Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
when someone rings the doorbell
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to