The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
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intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
that de-escalated quickly
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.