General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
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Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I identify as an antique shop.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.