genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
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Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
this has done me in for some reason
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous