When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
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The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.