told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
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[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life