[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
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*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
forgive me baja for i have blast
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳