Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
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When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Just a bush.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.