You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
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obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.