My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
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[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*