one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
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Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.