[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
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can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.