When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
You Might Also Like
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
me after drinking all the wine:
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.