The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
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No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
No. YOU-buprofen.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.