*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
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I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
ok hear me out: Luigiana
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”