[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
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Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.