Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
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[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I’m sure it’s fine.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW