I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.