If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad