Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.