Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
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It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
A completely valid reaction tbh