My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
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[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
It’s the weekend y’all
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders