It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
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When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Time heals everything 🙂
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night