Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
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It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you