priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
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I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise