I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
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No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.