HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
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I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Netflix and awkward silence?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.