My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
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PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Meanwhile in Canada…
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*