Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
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Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
This made me chuckle.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
🙋♀️
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me