A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
You Might Also Like
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.