“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
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Seals are just dog mermaids.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
12653.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
BRO LMFAO
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.