just witnessed a drug deal
You Might Also Like
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES