I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
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[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I just tested negative for patience.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
why I oughta
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*