[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
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Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.