Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
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to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
*lint rolls you awake*
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb