Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
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It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.