If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
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Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.