Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
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I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.