her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
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doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
LOL!
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.