There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
You Might Also Like
Acronyms got me like WTF?
“Sheer Arrogance”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
i hate you platonically
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
How about I get 100% off by already being there
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Cannot stop laughing at this
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries