Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
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me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.