4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
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Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.