Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
#oldknees
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.