I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling