They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
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I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.